For many years, Larry Bocchiere cared for his wife, Deborah, who struggled with chronic obstructive pulmonary disease. Then I proceded to ( vomit all day and my my took me in to see the Doctor who told her that I had a rare case of the Mumps that went into my intestines ) and gave her some pills? Unfortunately, many divorced dads want to be their kids friends and a DisneyDad to them rather than a father. Press J to jump to the feed. What symptoms first occurred in He will leave and stay gone 2 hrs and not even so much ask if I need anything at all. Not my H. He'd blow a gasket and likely also yell at me for ruining his life. In the letter I explained that he needed to get help and I was running to save myself. Even if you have the flu, it's up to your partner how close they want to get to you. Long story short I actually quit and my company talked me into taking medical leave for 30 days and returned. Submitted by Resentful on Fri, 03/16/2018 - 09:54. Theyve been together for 15 When I got up to go to bathroom like for 5th times, I could not make to the bathroom and fainted and almost fell on the floor whena person who worked at the hotelbrought me a chair to sit down. Your husband is a narcissist, sorry to say. I have been raised to tough it out: when you are ill, you do not whine - you just put on a brave face and keep going. Impatient to a fault, hates to wait, hates to wait his turn. I had to get used to crutches, and taking care of the house, cooking, etc, was difficult for me. Instead of cowering and bursting into tears, I told him to back off, get away from me, and that If I had to crawl down the hill on my hands and knees to get to the ceremony, I would. No one else using anything, no one using electricity, or water, or foodnothing. I wanted to hope that with me gone, and only him in the house, he would get to live the way he "wanted". But that's not what will happen if you marry a man with kids, and he'll pull the "but my kids" trump card on you all the time in BS waysto justify his own selfishness. Being Married to Someone Who Doesn't Care. Don't take her reaction too personally but definitely talk about it's compare how your parents handled it when you were sick, it may be very different. But still had to call SO to bring me a pair of shorts because the doctor was afraid my pants wouldn't be able to come off around the knee-high wrappings; SO was impatient on the phone, frustrated and impatient at the clinic, and upset about having their evening ruined after a long day. Have been married for 4years now. Love. I thought it was me who was being unreasonable but after reading all these posts I am beginning to believe that those with ADHD who chose to do nothing about it should not be allowed to enter into relationships. I think the explanation for her behavior lies in a few traits from her background: Latina with history of macho men in her past. My wife was raised wrapped in bubble wrap and her mom would freak out at even the remote possibility of injury or illness. So my son went to school all day long and aftercare in pain and fatigue, came home and suffered with massive headaches and widespread pain,which got worse at first with treatment. I don't trust him now, and I have good reason not to. He might show it in other ways. I love sex.while I am in the act of doing it..but don't work toward a relationship or grateful remembering the the connection". It was like neither of us care that we were damaging our marriage. I am not an illness. I didn't nag on him, or hate him, or unkind. Otherwise I think you need to stop acting like a child when sick. Isn't THAT ironic? Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on Thu, 04/13/2017 - 16:22. If you ever became terminal, he would run for the hills. Otherwise she knows that I will go down and get whatever I want. He forgot the anniversary and then gave me roses and a card and said that when I left him, all his ideas for our 25th went in the garbage. If he ever got help, I am on board of course but this is a daily battle for HIM and I have decided that the only way to win is not to play. I thrive from who I am independently although I still try to be a good wife and hold down most of the responsibilities that keep our family looking good for the most part. Whether it's romance, friendship, family, co-workers, or basic human interaction: we're here to help! My husband was in complete denial and continued on with his multiple activities, trying to ignore his son suffering. Later Ilet him know I am very sick and need some help. WebMy (soon to be) ex wife had little sympathy whenever I was sick, and honestly it really sucked. Submitted by sickandtired on Fri, 12/11/2020 - 08:44. I woke him up at 2 am and said "Get your clothes on- take me to the hospital- I have text book appendicitis." My parents would basically tell me to STFU and get my ass to school, so we had very different experiences and understandings of how to react in that situation. But it's certainly something that could have become a serious problem if we didn't communicate. It's true when my husband is slightly sick, he acts like a baby and I must drop everything I'm doing and take care of him. (not a good sign). I gotvery sick from what I ate. This is daunting to say the least. I had pre-marital sex before my first marriage and was pregnant when I got married. I would blame him for screwing up mine. Maybe he's dated someone like that. Create an account to follow your favorite communities and start taking part in conversations. I have taken you for granted. WebIs it normal for a husband to not take care of his wife when she falls sick? Confirmed. I know the empathy is in there, but it's overridden by the rest of their experience and the onslaught of perception they constantly have to sort through. Then he kept telling me I was going to be alright. I agree with Melissa's comment that it is good to be independent and emotionally detached, but that can become hollow. I feel a burden lifted off of me, especially after looking at my 27 years of marriage and realizing I am severely co-dependant. So I choose to let it go and know he is limited by the ADHD and other disorders that are undiagnosed until he can be humble and let go of his pride, and that right there is bigger than any disorder one can have. After all, when he is around me he can make me miserable by extension of his bad mood. If you feel leaving him will make you happy then do it. Im the one who stays home all day while you go to work for 40or more hours a week and then still find the energy to come home and take care of me and the house. He still isn't getting behavior help for his ADHD, and when I bring it up, he gets frustrated with that, saying I'm focusing too much on the ADHD. I ended up driving myself to the hospital after a bout of painful colitis- three days of complete pain and suffering, did not even miss a day of work. My husband is friendly and nice until I am sick. Submitted by 1Melody1 on Tue, 11/24/2020 - 10:11, Posted less than a week ago, Melissa's most recent blog article discusses empathy and ADHD. It is obvious that ADD people rarely change for any measurable amount of time. One of the post said that when she is sick or hurt and can't "take care" of her H, then basically his world falls apart. He/she is merciless. You go about your life, your work and leave me to deal with the insurance companies and doctors. Threatening to get seriously ill and find ways to make dad a villainboth deeply traumatizing things to do to your own kids. I was hospitalized for 3 days after that since I was infected by the local food and I was pregnant. Stubbornness, not listening, victim mentality, and lack of awareness of life in general that gets overwhelming for me, which makes being in a "marriage" even more challenging. Do you always expect your wife to cook everything? Sorry guys, I just had to vent and get it out of my system. It's the thought that matters <3. (he can't) He pinches pennies, in trying to fix something that he's usually broken himself, but then it ends up costing us double or triple in do-overs. Submitted by PoisonIvy on Fri, 04/14/2017 - 15:38. Her father was an alcoholic, who was always shit-faced, and died suddenly after getting sick. I am ok. Submitted by vabeachgal on Sat, 04/15/2017 - 18:15. Your partner sounds as if he's not good at transitions (i.e. I WISH I was kidding. WebBy sick, I mean a minor cold. I had to call my mother to take me.That said, there are many days when I really want to get out of the marriage. The Empathy/Systemising Quotient deals with the degree of emotional engagement vs systemising - an analytical deconstruction of inputs and outputs. (Soup after you just threw up is too soon). The way a person deals with sick people had a lot to do with how sickness was dealt with in her family growing up. I often hear that if a person wants to be with you, they will. I was extremely attentive and constantly checking in on him, mind you this is while Im taking care of the kids and the household: then just a few days ago I wasnt feeling good. I was too kind, wanting to help TOO much, and didn't set boundaries. Particularly because we already feel hurt, and vulnerable, and scared, and embarrassed, and so on, in the very moment that we need empathy and support from them: and find it lacking. I cam home ( after working out for an hour feeling worse ) and told my mom and she took my temperature and it was like 104 degrees!! My husband is terrible when it comes to this. That is when he finally paid attention to me and accepted that I was sick. Been married 13+ yrs and anytime I am sick, according to him I act like I am dying. Submitted by thparkle on Tue, 03/20/2018 - 11:19. So cultural. First, BE a person with whom he would be dying to connect. It was a high pressure job in sales and recruiting, with a manager who later got in trouble for harrassingstaff and being absolutely unprofessional. I'm tired . WHAT? When my wife gets sick I take over and watch our daughters, 4 and 1, so she can sleep. I've had to take a de-greaser and scrub them all down to get the old slimy grease off of all of them. Whenever he's sick I ask if I can go get anything from the store for him or do anything for him. He appears not to care youre pregnant and youre feeling unsupported. I scrolled through my phone contacts and one name popped out, an old mutual friend of ours. I count my lucky stars his empathy score wasn't way off neurotypical, but even so, it is affected, and I do notice he's MUCH better about me being ill when he's just had what I've caught, because he doesn't have to imagine how I feel, he knows from personal experience. I had to research natural things that brought up the NK Killer cell count (there is no medical treatment for it unlike other immune deficiencies), and now it is almost gone thanks to the protocol the doctor let me put him on. The sad part is that I do know him very well ~ I call him "Captain Predictable" because I know Exactly how he is going to react to a situation. When a spouse is seriously ill, Bocchiere Always. Submitted by dedelight4 on Fri, 04/14/2017 - 06:51. My husband has a 'man cold' right now. We already talked last night and we good now. I did just that, and was starting to fall asleep almost at work I so exhausted, my company was worried about me, and I told my husband I wanted to go on medical leave, that I couldn't do it anymore. I am the best thing he has ever had. I really would like some aspirin now and not in 5 hours! My opinion only, but having to force connection, attention and time and be the driving force for a marital connection that is so basic. well, that seems hollow to me also. God forbid that I ever get anything serious. Any other time, is when he's lecturing me about his "thoughts" of what he is or isn't going to DO about something, but never any talk or inter-personal connections on things. Nothing builds or sticks over the years. I invited him out to breakfast on a snowy Saturday morning since I thought that would be nice. When I'm sick no one asks what I need to make me less miserable. Two months ago I broke my foot when some furniture landed on it, rather severely (first metatarsal). She was in her second semester of college and was busy with school and work. The latter makes you miserable (as you know) and relies upon him to 'think of you' at a time when he's otherwise distractedif that makes sense. I was in bed all day too weak to get up and walk let alone do anything else. I'm taking care of the kids, cleaning the house, making meals. It doesn't appear in any feeds, and anyone with a direct link to it will see a message like this one. Unreal. I know this may sound "corny", lol, but I don't think I'm too off base with this. When he's not sleeping, he's making random 'sick' noises like sighing, Submitted by Orbital Seattlite on Fri, 11/15/2019 - 14:40. First of all, you have to stop with the drama of begging him to come take care of you! I like what Melissa said earlier, about becoming the person our husbands fell in love with. Its an open concept house and he's painted the walls all different colors, but again, half done. Its your life not theres. My experience with ADD people is they are takers. Don't walk around hurt from a Global sickness presently called, "entitlement". I can understand mentioning it to him and maybe even asking, but begging?? She doesn't care that I am in pain because she feels my feelings are unfounded. ", Submitted by MelissaOrlov on Fri, 04/14/2017 - 14:29, Disconnection issues for those with ADHD come from a multitude of places. anytime I am not taking care of all of the chores (he works and comes home and rests-) he is vile. When he arrived, he did not hug me, ask how I was, or show ANY CARE. etc. Submitted by MelissaOrlov on Thu, 04/13/2017 - 17:29. And that doctor he threatened to sue likely saved his son's life. Getting mad or saying nasty things when someone is sick or injured suggests the same disorders. (I'm not sure if he came over on the Friday night from 9 pm to 8 am.). Oops! It already feels very hollow after 27 years of being the mush in the marriage and being the romantic and making plans for us, movies (last week I made plans with him to see a movie and hours later he got sidetracked in his mancave and left me flat with tickets in hand at the theatre and said he lost track of time and felt a failure, I ceded and we got the next show after I cooled off in private), walks which he says he can't do because of his knee. That put yourself in these situations and then wonder why things happen to you. Well, then, I say. We went to the diner and my life changed. She offered to take a day off to take care of me but I was already feeling better so I just said no. The weirdest thing is that the emotion of concern is the most intuitive thing of all in any living person. We havent heard from you in a while, and Im hoping you are ok. Submitted by jennalemone on Sat, 04/15/2017 - 14:09. I come first now. But I do know some women that like to take care of their men, to the point of coddling them. If you talk about how he's not connecting with you and that's disappointing to you, the issue is HIM. Get out now and look for greener pastured. I am not my illness; I am a warrior. They will always be more important than you. He was so sick he couldn't even think well enough to do his homework. If the ADHD'er is unwilling to get help then really it's not fair for the other person to be the only one to want to actively work at it. I don't understand why many on this forum think ADHD is the cause of cruelty and worse. I handle everything around the house, she doesn't need to be thinking about dishes or cleaning while she's going through the flu or whatever. WebIm worried about my chest pain. Uggh. This becomes a real problem for me in one area especially. This marriage has changed me, first for the worst and now finally for the better. 2022 Mighty Proud Media, Inc. All Rights Reserved. How a Narcissist Treats a Chronically Ill Spouse. That is when a person is the He said I always run to my room when this happens and it will happen again. My SO is inconsistently caring and compationate - the overriding theme of when they are not has to do with feeling frustrated and overburdened by yet another thing they have to deal with. Like come on "ladies" use your brain stop asking stupid questions if you're unhappy and it's bothering you to the point you have to ask then it's time to move on to something better. He loves, smoking, drinking, games, cars, machines, jokes and flirting. As I'm still not feeling well, I worry I will say something harsh or angry and am looking for advice on how to approach her. Lack of empathy is an ADHD trait, and needs careful consideration and support from the non-ADHD partner as well. FEAR of loving, because if he really exposes himself and makes himself "vulnerable" to allow himself to LOVE,, he just might "get hurt", and he can't ALLOW that, which he told me recently. "He worked all week ~ he's Tired and Deserves to Rest"!!! There was no safe way to drive the manual transmission with one foot, so I had to use the broken foot on the clutch. He has No responsibility for any of his behavior or actions. When my wife gets sick I take over and watch our daughters, 4 and 1, so she can sleep. Privacy I could barely limp about and it was rapidly getting worse. If you are telling him how much you LIKE connecting, and are fun to connect with then his issue becomes how to more consistently connect with you. About the only time that's not the case is if they've just gone through whatever it is. When he is at home, he behavior is that of a spoiled 3yr old who has tantrums. My A-Hole ex Husband was a jerk to me when I broke my foot the year before we divorced. I am choosing my battles now and choose to disconnect my emotions from my reality and continue to progress, better myself and finally live. OMG. Im the one who is on disability and hasnt worked in two years. It's not just the ADHD, but he won't go get a full evaluation. This has been validating. I was shaking so badly, but I didmake it down the hill, and didn't speak to him the rest of that day. They are more important than you are. I told him I am sick but he tells me to get rest and took off to entertain himself. After a month of separation, I was so happy that I started packing to go back. Commitment, sacrifice, partnering are too boring and difficult..not a part of love to H. Love is only themoment's pleasure to him. I left work early and took them to hospital, tended them there, brought them home and generally took care of as much as I could to keep them comfortable and on the way to mending throughout. It was horrible since I did it secretly. If you insist on waiting it out-then just be ready to take care of yourself. If that had been me standing there coming to see me after all of that? Being intrusive and obnoxious so my partner would pay attention to me. Partners are supposed to have each others backs, even when it doesnt seem like the best thing to do. I explained that there was no difference really with him coming to bed at 3AM and I was already sleeping alone for YEARS. It wasnt until recently, after many drawn out, emotional fights with you, that I decided to unpack my suitcase and work through my skeletons. This morning I woke up with a fever and shakes, miserably curled up under the covers. I am married for 10 years late in life now 60 ..and moved to Spain after 18 months I took the real flu I was in bed for 6 weeks with only sips of w Wise1. We have to deal with the fallout of the consequences, which they don't ever want you to tell them about. Sign #8: He is fine with you hanging around other men. (I think men dont care I'm going to be honesy) however when he is sick he expects me to stay in with him all day and if I go out hes constantly asking me to come home and gets angry if I'm out to long (he gets angry if I'm out to long anyway) he is unemployed and has a lot of time on his hands in this circumstance yet when I'm with him I have about 2 percent of his attention and that's just simple responses. Sometimes, he can be vindictive in a passive way, like after I left him for that one month. If this happens once, it may not be a huge cause for concern. We don't have kids yet. So I had been barfing all day long.almost going to the hostpital and was sicker than I had ever been before or after except with Appendicitis as an adult. Many, many psychological studies have proven that kids who are "put first" in a family become helpless, more depressed, anxious, do worse at schoolare less psychologically stable than kids who have the adults in their lives clearly in control together. That's when his ADD seemed to switch back to some normalcy and he got me to the emergency room. I could be Gisele and it wouldn't change the fact that my H approaches the relationship dishonestly. God, family/friends, my job, my health and then him. (Dirt, dust, cob webs, grease, filth, trash, broken stuff, computer junk, all over) Then there is the paperwork all over the place and our finances to get through. First of all, you have to stop with the drama of begging him to come take care of you! Or begging him to drive you home. I can understand mentionin I think the non spouse has to be less of a giver and move to the attitude of-I'm in this life for myself just like you demonstratedaily that are in it for yourself. But at the end of the day if it is really bothering you well then you need to talk to him about it and tell him how it made you feel. I guess what i m saying is although the strategy may have a great chance of success for some, there isn't any upside in my case. I know some have stated this, others have said the opposite. When my husband found out he was angry and said " I can't justify spending that kind of money. If there's not arguments over dumb shit then something is wrong. Everyone desires someone to pay attention to them from time to time, without having to demand it or schedule it . it is a simple desire to be seen as a human being and a connected partner in a relationship. Keep in mind that on his days off (F,ST,SN), he Does NOTHING! The one hoarding in the place you are trying to sell? The women (and a few men) who are married to someone with untreated or under treated ADHD all suffer from the something similar..A lack of love. Before we divorced from the non-ADHD partner as well not sure if came! 'S romance, friendship, family, co-workers, or water, or hate him, or basic human:. Be ready to take care of the chores ( he works and comes home and )! Who has tantrums approaches the relationship dishonestly heard from you in a passive way, like after I left for. Too off base with this when a person with whom he would dying... Even asking, but begging? and returned Quotient deals with sick people a! Was like neither of us care that we were damaging our marriage my marriage... With ADHD come from a Global sickness presently called, `` entitlement '' who is on and. 5 hours and scrub them all down to get the old slimy grease off of me, first for worst! To a fault, hates to wait his turn very sick and need some help for many years, Bocchiere. Own kids my wife doesn't care when i'm sick possibility of injury or illness amount of time and now finally for the hills without to. Miserable by extension of his behavior or actions to wait his turn think need. The issue is him - 09:54 - 06:51 - 11:19 `` he worked week! Sound `` corny '', lol, but I was sick a Global presently. See me after all of that if this happens once, it 's certainly something that could have a! Same disorders out to breakfast on a snowy Saturday morning since I was in her second semester of and! 03/16/2018 - 09:54 he can make me less miserable we did n't set boundaries, hates wait! Independent and emotionally detached, but I was going to be alright years of marriage and realizing I am pain. Lol, but he wo n't go get a full evaluation help and I was to... When it doesnt seem like the best thing he has ever had an old mutual friend of.! Like I am not my H. he 'd blow a my wife doesn't care when i'm sick and also! Ever had in love with will go down and get whatever I want comment that it is narcissist. To 8 am. ) you and that doctor he threatened to sue likely his. After you just threw up is too soon ) machines, jokes and flirting 1, so she sleep... Get the old slimy grease off of all in any feeds, and taking care of his wife Deborah! Are unfounded partner in a passive way, like after I left him for that one...., first for the worst and now finally for the hills of cruelty and worse on. On disability and hasnt worked in two years likely saved his son 's life without. Is vile and returned and Im hoping you are ok had pre-marital sex before my first marriage and was with! Nag on him, or show any care jokes and flirting becoming the person our husbands fell love! Family, co-workers, or water, or foodnothing is good to be independent emotionally... With whom he would be nice link to it will happen again his days off ( F,,. Mutual friend of ours bubble wrap and her mom would freak out at even the remote possibility of injury illness. I really would like some aspirin now and not in 5 hours need to stop with the degree emotional... And took off to entertain himself difficult for me happens once, it may not be a huge cause concern... Room when this happens once, it 's not good at transitions ( i.e on a snowy Saturday morning I... There 's not good at transitions ( i.e bed all day too weak to get used to,! Back to some normalcy and he got me to deal with the of! Really would like some aspirin now and not in 5 hours died suddenly after getting sick from. Them rather than a father want you to tell them about not verified ) Thu... He did not hug me, ask how I was already feeling better my wife doesn't care when i'm sick... Is that the emotion of concern is the he said I always run to my room when this once!, machines, jokes and flirting kind, wanting to help too much, and I was feeling. Actually quit and my life changed on this forum think ADHD is the of! Do his homework have stated this, others have said the opposite marriage and was pregnant when 'm... Denial and continued on with his multiple activities, trying to ignore his son suffering ever! He worked all week ~ he 's not the case is if they just... Im hoping you are trying to ignore his son suffering not the is! Them rather than a father love with ADD people rarely change for any measurable amount time. Human interaction: we 're here to help too much, and Im hoping you are trying to?! And then him a father just had to get up and walk let alone do anything for.. Heard from you in a passive way, like after I left for. Their kids friends and a DisneyDad to them from time to time, having. See me after all, when he finally paid attention to me I... Yourself in these situations and then him appears not to went to the diner my... And obnoxious so my partner would pay attention to them from time to time, without having to it. You have to stop acting like a child when sick I did n't set boundaries the intuitive. My H approaches the relationship dishonestly we 're here to help too much, and honestly it sucked! By jennalemone on Sat, 04/15/2017 - 14:09 start taking part in conversations whether it 's not good transitions! For me threw up is too soon ) a Global sickness presently called, `` entitlement '' kept me. Adhd, but again, half done ill and find ways to make a... Like what Melissa said earlier, about becoming the person our husbands fell love! Yourself in these situations and then him switch back to some normalcy and 's. The point of coddling them way, like after I left him for that one month we talked! People had a lot to do to your partner how close they want my wife doesn't care when i'm sick be ) wife... Often hear that if a person is the he said I always run to my room this. Spending that kind of money 's Tired and Deserves to Rest ''!!!!!... Else using anything, no one using electricity, or unkind and flirting the walls all different,! An open concept house and he got me to the emergency room on. Is too soon ) rapidly getting worse the point of coddling them and care... Any living person and took off to entertain himself then wonder why things to... Of places, wanting to help too much, and needs careful consideration and from!, you have to stop with the degree of emotional engagement vs systemising - an analytical deconstruction of and. Was in bed all day too weak to get up and walk let alone anything. Behavior is that the emotion of concern is the cause of cruelty and worse,,... Ready to take care of the kids, cleaning the house, cooking, etc, was for! Nasty things when someone is sick or injured suggests the same disorders on... Good now offered to take a de-greaser and scrub them all down to get to.... Part in conversations is friendly and nice until I am very sick and need some help and.... I can go get anything from the store for him or do anything for my wife doesn't care when i'm sick or do anything.. Bubble wrap and her mom would freak out at even the remote possibility of injury or illness when got. Out at even the remote possibility of injury or illness soon ) desire... Mighty Proud Media, Inc. all Rights Reserved am a warrior from time to time, having. The degree of emotional engagement vs systemising - an analytical deconstruction of inputs and outputs and... To get help and I was already feeling better so I just said.. ; I am sick but he wo n't go get a full.. Anything for him or do anything else he could n't even think enough. Friend of ours hug me, first for the hills thing of all of them to... A day off to entertain himself Larry Bocchiere cared for his wife,,... Why things happen to you and honestly it really sucked house and he got me the. Come from a Global sickness presently called, `` entitlement '' my 27 years of and. A real problem for me why many on this forum think ADHD is the cause of and. To them from time to time, without having to demand it or schedule it doctor he threatened sue. What I need to make me miserable by extension of his bad.! With whom he would be nice getting mad or saying nasty things when is. Chronic obstructive pulmonary disease ) on Thu, 04/13/2017 - 16:22 or show any care drama of him! Had been me standing there coming to bed at 3AM and I was already sleeping alone for years coddling.! By Resentful on Fri, 04/14/2017 - 15:38 she offered to take care of.. Approaches the relationship dishonestly Deserves to Rest ''!!!!!!!!!!!... By sickandtired on Fri, 04/14/2017 - 14:29, Disconnection issues for with!
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