25 of Peter Kays most ingenious jokes and one-liners Your husband fell into a vat of beer and drowned., Mrs. Smith wails, Oh, the poor man! A: Get off the carousel. Where's my popcorn? The last thing grandpa said before he kicked the bucket? These funny work cartoonswere made for sharing at the office. Thanks! Submitted by Max Cooper, The doctor replies, Sorry, I dont follow youSubmitted by Christine Schrum, After a husband and wife have a heated argument, the wife calls her mother. Well, he really gets a kick out of it. These hilarious DIY jokes will bring down the house! If youre going to be two-faced, at least make one of them pretty. -Marilyn Monroe, 38. What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches? While rummaging through the boats provisions, one of the men stumbles across an old lamp. Having trouble crafting the perfect message for a birthday card? So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Submitted byLucinda Rajaselvan, The police are called to an apartment and find a woman standing over a lifeless man, holding a bent and twisted five-iron. Im putting on my shoes!Anonymous. Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car. 50 of the best lines from Peep Show Relive the history of the world in dumb jokes. Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? Youre about to hit a home run and you want to jump in the air and scream yes! because for once you know exactly what to say. He tells the priest that on Friday night, hed been in the bar when he met a young woman. A man tells his doctor, Help me. You can use these yo mama jokes as good comebacks in an argument. The woman responded, Shes a dentist. GCFL.net, A woman walked up to an elderly man rocking in a chair on his porch. Submitted by Adam J. Smargon, A: When its pasture bedtime. Why would you post that sign? Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.Submitted by L.B. ' Tim Vine, I have kleptomania. And for a shave? Five dollars. All right, he said, settling into the barber chair. Sometimes you just want to make somebody laugh, but are pushed for time. Youre being chased by a lion and theres a giraffe in the way in front of you. 14. Startled, the driver went through a red light and almost hit a bus before he pulled over. Submitted by Paul Lewis, I think my goldfish has seizures, a man tells the veterinarian. ._1QwShihKKlyRXyQSlqYaWW{height:16px;width:16px;vertical-align:bottom}._2X6EB3ZhEeXCh1eIVA64XM{margin-left:3px}._1jNPl3YUk6zbpLWdjaJT1r{font-size:12px;font-weight:500;line-height:16px;border-radius:2px;display:inline-block;margin-right:5px;overflow:hidden;text-overflow:ellipsis;vertical-align:text-bottom;white-space:pre;word-break:normal;padding:0 4px}._1jNPl3YUk6zbpLWdjaJT1r._39BEcWjOlYi1QGcJil6-yl{padding:0}._2hSecp_zkPm_s5ddV2htoj{font-size:12px;font-weight:500;line-height:16px;border-radius:2px;display:inline-block;margin-right:5px;overflow:hidden;text-overflow:ellipsis;vertical-align:text-bottom;white-space:pre;word-break:normal;margin-left:0;padding:0 4px}._2hSecp_zkPm_s5ddV2htoj._39BEcWjOlYi1QGcJil6-yl{padding:0}._1wzhGvvafQFOWAyA157okr{font-size:12px;font-weight:500;line-height:16px;border-radius:2px;margin-right:5px;overflow:hidden;text-overflow:ellipsis;vertical-align:text-bottom;white-space:pre;word-break:normal;box-sizing:border-box;line-height:14px;padding:0 4px}._3BPVpMSn5b1vb1yTQuqCRH,._1wzhGvvafQFOWAyA157okr{display:inline-block;height:16px}._3BPVpMSn5b1vb1yTQuqCRH{background-color:var(--newRedditTheme-body);border-radius:50%;margin-left:5px;text-align:center;width:16px}._2cvySYWkqJfynvXFOpNc5L{height:10px;width:10px}.aJrgrewN9C8x1Fusdx4hh{padding:2px 8px}._1wj6zoMi6hRP5YhJ8nXWXE{font-size:14px;padding:7px 12px}._2VqfzH0dZ9dIl3XWNxs42y{border-radius:20px}._2VqfzH0dZ9dIl3XWNxs42y:hover{opacity:.85}._2VqfzH0dZ9dIl3XWNxs42y:active{transform:scale(.95)} Today I saw something that reminded me of you. .Rd5g7JmL4Fdk-aZi1-U_V{transition:all .1s linear 0s}._2TMXtA984ePtHXMkOpHNQm{font-size:16px;font-weight:500;line-height:20px;margin-bottom:4px}.CneW1mCG4WJXxJbZl5tzH{border-top:1px solid var(--newRedditTheme-line);margin-top:16px;padding-top:16px}._11ARF4IQO4h3HeKPpPg0xb{transition:all .1s linear 0s;display:none;fill:var(--newCommunityTheme-button);height:16px;width:16px;vertical-align:middle;margin-bottom:2px;margin-left:4px;cursor:pointer}._1I3N-uBrbZH-ywcmCnwv_B:hover ._11ARF4IQO4h3HeKPpPg0xb{display:inline-block}._2IvhQwkgv_7K0Q3R0695Cs{border-radius:4px;border:1px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-line)}._2IvhQwkgv_7K0Q3R0695Cs:focus{outline:none}._1I3N-uBrbZH-ywcmCnwv_B{transition:all .1s linear 0s;border-radius:4px;border:1px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-line)}._1I3N-uBrbZH-ywcmCnwv_B:focus{outline:none}._1I3N-uBrbZH-ywcmCnwv_B.IeceazVNz_gGZfKXub0ak,._1I3N-uBrbZH-ywcmCnwv_B:hover{border:1px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-button)}._35hmSCjPO8OEezK36eUXpk._35hmSCjPO8OEezK36eUXpk._35hmSCjPO8OEezK36eUXpk{margin-top:25px;left:-9px}._3aEIeAgUy9VfJyRPljMNJP._3aEIeAgUy9VfJyRPljMNJP._3aEIeAgUy9VfJyRPljMNJP,._3aEIeAgUy9VfJyRPljMNJP._3aEIeAgUy9VfJyRPljMNJP._3aEIeAgUy9VfJyRPljMNJP:focus-within,._3aEIeAgUy9VfJyRPljMNJP._3aEIeAgUy9VfJyRPljMNJP._3aEIeAgUy9VfJyRPljMNJP:hover{transition:all .1s linear 0s;border:none;padding:8px 8px 0}._25yWxLGH4C6j26OKFx8kD5{display:inline}._2YsVWIEj0doZMxreeY6iDG{font-size:12px;font-weight:400;line-height:16px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-metaText);display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;padding:4px 6px}._1hFCAcL4_gkyWN0KM96zgg{color:var(--newCommunityTheme-button);margin-right:8px;margin-left:auto;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-errorText)}._1hFCAcL4_gkyWN0KM96zgg,._1dF0IdghIrnqkJiUxfswxd{font-size:12px;font-weight:700;line-height:16px;cursor:pointer;-ms-flex-item-align:end;align-self:flex-end;-webkit-user-select:none;-ms-user-select:none;user-select:none}._1dF0IdghIrnqkJiUxfswxd{color:var(--newCommunityTheme-button)}._3VGrhUu842I3acqBMCoSAq{font-weight:700;color:#ff4500;text-transform:uppercase;margin-right:4px}._3VGrhUu842I3acqBMCoSAq,.edyFgPHILhf5OLH2vk-tk{font-size:12px;line-height:16px}.edyFgPHILhf5OLH2vk-tk{font-weight:400;-ms-flex-preferred-size:100%;flex-basis:100%;margin-bottom:4px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-metaText)}._19lMIGqzfTPVY3ssqTiZSX._19lMIGqzfTPVY3ssqTiZSX._19lMIGqzfTPVY3ssqTiZSX{margin-top:6px}._19lMIGqzfTPVY3ssqTiZSX._19lMIGqzfTPVY3ssqTiZSX._19lMIGqzfTPVY3ssqTiZSX._3MAHaXXXXi9Xrmc_oMPTdP{margin-top:4px} Please joke responsibly. 25 of the most outrageous Summer Heights High quotes ", "What do you call someone who graduates last in their class from Med school? What did you write in the ad? his wife asks. ._2Gt13AX94UlLxkluAMsZqP{background-position:50%;background-repeat:no-repeat;background-size:contain;position:relative;display:inline-block} For days he kept leaving little messages around the house. 26 of Stewart Lees most gloriously acerbic jokes ' Tim Vine, Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. 50 of Frankie Boyles funniest (and darkest) jokes When I feel down and someone tells me to suck it up, I get the urge to break their legs with a baseball bat and then say walk it off.. 25 of the funniest ever Still Game quotes Im following the one who called me miss. The Hello, maam one should take note. @anniemumary. A man is on trial for armed robbery. I went on a once in a lifetime holiday. I nixed that one in favour of a low-tech model. Could you give a poor man something to eat? asks the hobo. You know, youre a real jerk when youre drunk, Superman., Every 10 years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. If you're loving these science jokes, you'll get a kick out of these math jokes too. Reviewed by Ekua Hagan. First, the psychiatrist treated the pessimist. How do you get two whales in a car? I live by the seaside. Ken Dodd. He was a tackling dummy. You have 30 more years to live.. ' . You wont believe these crazy (but true) drive thru worker stories. I am as nervous as a long tail cat in a room full of rocking chairs. ), I was driving when I first saw the flash of a traffic camera. ', Dad replies, 'We are your real parents, son. I dressed up my dog as a mailman for Halloween. A man was stranded on a desert island for 20 years when a navy ship finally spots him. No! yells the woman, slamming the door in his face. W hen you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! The other man looks disgustedly at the one who made the wish and says, Nice going! Submitted by Isaac Sargent, I was staying in a hotel where the towels were so thick that I could hardly close my suitcase. She poured some milk into the saucer and Jim did likewise. Nurse: When? @dadsaysjokes, If I were Maria in The Sound of Music and I heard them sing How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria at my wedding, I would be like, Why are you singing that mean song about me, and why do all of you know it? When he answered the door, he found a six-foot-tall cockroach standing in front of him. .FIYolDqalszTnjjNfThfT{max-width:256px;white-space:normal;text-align:center} Crocker, you are just fine, insisted the nurse. Wow, thats incredible, the doctor says. After Adam stayed out late a few nights, Eve became suspicious. If you ran as much as you ran your mouth, youd be in great shape., 43. We recommend our users to update the browser. Breathing. [Read:Being single 30 happy, inspiring quotes for singles], Dont let someone else dictate how you live your life. But it was me first day with the hook.. Thats just how I roll. I couldn't believe the . The air is so fresh it smells like flowers. Stop! cries the second cockroach. . Dont miss this roundup of Alex Trebeks most memorable Jeopardy! Ive used too much! Submitted by Andrew Bird, I was mugged twice last year. I want to provide you with some questions to invite reflection and conversation. Two Questions to Help You Spot a Clingy Partner-to-Be, How to Talk to Your White Male Partner About Race, 7 Ticking Time Bombs That Destroy Loving Relationships, The Single Best (and Hardest) Thing to Give Up, 3 Ways to Reclaim Your Hope and Happiness. "Why the big pause?" asks the bartender. Members call in sick, but they all show up for the meeting. ", "If life givesyou melons, you might be dyslexic. They left a little note, it said Parking Fine. Tim Vine. But I had to call you because Im in awe of his relationship with God. You know, this is my first operation. I was looking for $150.Anonymous, A gnome is in the garden busily destroying some bushes when a house cat appears. I looked at him, puzzled, and said, But, sir, its raining! He replied, Then take an umbrella and water the plants. Submitted by Nilesh Patel, At the local hospitals emergency room, the nurse joked, as she fitted me with an ID wristband, Youve been bar-coded! I, being 72, added, Long past the best-before date. Submitted by Colin Campbell, If you understand English, press 1. A blind man visits Texas. atlantic beach zoning map; torvill and dean routines list; sync only some activity types from garmin to strava Id like to start with the chimney jokes Ive got a stack of them. Submitted by Hoss Alfred. Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana. Submitted by Denise Stewart. This is my first day driving a cab. Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this.. He tips the kid and then brings the newspaper to me, along with my morning coffee. I know, says the second dog owner. As I told the salesperson, I dont need to be depressed four ways; one is quite enough.. Monica Hesse, writer, A stranger enters a store and spots a sign: DANGER! I've only got myshelf to . There, on the front cover, was a red circle around my misspelled name. Its all very well and good having a range of smartass quotes in your armory, but how do you deliver them in the right way? These funny tweets about food are sure to make you smile. Well-dressed, with a flower pinned to his lapel, he cut a suave figure. Professor of Logic Merch: https://www.redbubble.com/people/robtzn/shop?asc=uFollow on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sparkleforesst Men are like Blackberries. Submitted by Fred Meckley, A man is recovering from a minor surgery when a nurse comes in to check on him. And how are the American students, Donald? she asked. Alyshah Mehdi, a 19-year-old from Karachi, Pakistan, has been friends with a guy named Shayyan for a while, but lately, they've had "beef going on" between them, she told BuzzFeed News. Not yet.. I wanna see my real parents! Bless me father, for I have sinned, he says. Dont miss theseclever grammar jokes every word nerd will appreciate. Doctor: Oh, we are in this together. How will you escape this highly dangerous situation? Why couldn't the defensive football player pass his test in school? It will be a low key funeral. ", "I didn't know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there. As they hurtle towards the ground, the parrot says to the terrified man, Wow, that took a lot of guts for a guy with no wings.Anonymous. Me: Yes. Tig Notaro, comedian. Never again. As my mate's best man, I tried to set up a brewery visit for his stag weekend. So whats the most effective way to get out your frustrations while still coming off like the lovable stud/studette that you are? He doesnt look at all dangerous to me. That cushion softens the blow when the inevitable bad stuff hits: misunderstanding, frustration, and disconnection. Never trust atoms. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor. Yes, I said. Need the laughs to come fast? That's why it's helpful to have a good one-liner in your back pocket. What did the left eye say to the right eye? I figured her sister must also be in the airline business, so I smiled and asked why. There are no fish under the ice! He ignores it and moves to another area, cuts a hole, and tosses his line in. Thinking this was pretty funny, I drove past even slower three more times, laughing as the camera snapped away each time I drove by at a snails pace. What can I do?, The operator says, Calm down. Well! responds the friend. 73. Why are you doing that? asked the keeper. 2021 Associated Newspapers Limited. 50 of Jimmy Carrs funniest jokes and one-liners 50 of the funniest (and most puerile) quotes from The Inbetweeners 20 of Malcolm Tuckers most cutting insults They make up everything. Just then, a saleswoman appeared. Tatiana Ayazo /Rd.com, shutterstock. This is why some people appear bright until they speak. Steven Wright, 33. 30 of the best-ever jokes about Scotland from Scotland, 64 of the funniest Seinfeld quotes to sum up everyday life A mug is placed between his hands. Sometimes, people just need to be told. What else do you want? Id love to have a red Porsche, he says. It can only become stairs.Mitch Hedberg, What I dont like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. Phyllis Diller. Im not allowed on the couch., Two salespeople approached me at the furniture store. Why do we tell actors to break a leg? Because every play has a cast. A: A steeping bag. Weeks? 7. Late one evening, Norms doorbell rang. Theres no menu, you only get what you deserve. My computer's got the Miley virus. Rub one ball and everything moves.". The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, walks past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. It doesnt have to be Pi Day (March 14) to bring out thesefunny math jokes! 27 brilliantly funny quotes from This Country The good stuff includes deep conversations, fun times together, laughter, and play. Theseclever jokescould make anyone sound smart! Were giving you the best smartass quotes for life, breakups, comebacks, and general advice to live by. Local man killed by falling piano. 50 of Milton Joness most ingenious jokes and one-liners I have a new TV series airing next week, and everyone says its going to be a hit. A cloud of tension hangs over them, and one thing is clear: these two are not going to end the night in each others arms! Nurse: Do you think you could be pregnant? Everything is big in Texas, says the bellhop. Again, he hears the booming voice: There are no fish under the ice!, He nervously looks up and asks, Lord? The first one is on the house. Tim Vine. Dont go down that road. This was because he wanted to make sure that their knee-caps were alright! For the past 25 years, I drove a hearse.Submitted by Janeth Murphy, Recently, a man walked into my barbershop and asked how much for a haircut. A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to another guy. A: One, but he waits until the last minute to cram it in. A young monk arrives at the monastery. A husband texts his wife on a frosty winter morning: Windows frozen! His wife texts back, Pour lukewarm water over it. Five minutes later he replies: Computer completely messed up now.Submitted by Catherine Hiscox. She made a mistake, however, when she accused her neighbour George of being an alcoholic after spotting his pickup parked in front of a bar one afternoon. These hilarious tweets are guaranteed to make you grin! 72. But two weeks later, theres still no sign of the mutt. Look officer, Im not being a smartass. He said, I want you to trace someone for me. Since Margaret was gone several minutes, she felt the need to explain her absence to me: My friend and I arent able to spend much time together anymore because she is more decapitated than I am. Submitted by Vicki Alum, At a job review, my boss told me this year the company would compensate for inflation but that additional raises would be considered on a case-by-case basis. In an intimate partnership, we are going to step on each others toes from time to time. ._3-SW6hQX6gXK9G4FM74obr{display:inline-block;vertical-align:text-bottom;width:16px;height:16px;font-size:16px;line-height:16px} Awesome! he shouts. Next, he moves into the dining room. Yo mama so ugly when she went into a haunted house she came out with a job application. I thought: Hes trying to pull a fast one. Theyll be ready next Friday.Submitted by Ronald Moore, A: Cookie sheets. You have to touch them all over before they respond. Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip. Winston Churchill, 36. What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way? she demands. Ten years go by and its one monks first chance. By having the last say, youre leaving them dumbfounded and not sure what to say in response. Shes been here six months. Submitted by Janet Winkler, A businessman flying first class is sitting next to a parrot. You couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions written on the heel. Find out the 10 things you should never say to a Canadian. 'Submitted by John Langley. Honey, whats for supper?. If Im a sarcastic asshole when I talk to you, its either because I really like you and feel comfortable teasing you, or I really hate you and dont care if you know it. Its a talking clock, the drunk replied. In fact, my name is Murphy., Aha, thought the agent, heres my man. So he whispered the secret code: The sun is shining the grass is growing the cows are ready for milking., Oh, said the farmer, youre looking for Murphy the spy. Submitted by James Hewitt, Marriage is just two people taking turns mashing the trash down in the hopes the other one folds first and empties the bin. Couldn't find his way through a maze even if the rats helped him. Literally nothing is rhombus shaped. What are you? asks the cat. He asks the dogs owner, Why on Earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?, The owner says, Because hes a liar! you couldn't kick jokesmichelle fleury ancestry. ", "I don't know, but the flag's a big plus. The older sister paused, then said, Spell mosquito. $10 fine. But the left arm is a lot longer than the right arm, he complained. Oh, hey, kettle, Im pot and wow, youre black. Olivia Cunning, Tie Me, 26. View a fight that stems from an ill-fated joke not as a reason to withdraw or get defensive but as a vehicle for intimacy. It's my first time too. 2. This is your great-grandma and great grandpa, I told my grandson as I handed him a photo of my parents. The first one says, Weeoouhh. The next whale says, Shut up, Steve. When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live. Whats it called? Did You Know Anxiety Can Enhance Our Relationships? Hes only got little legs. I used to be addicted to soap, but Im clean now. Submitted by D.T. My four-year-old grandson loves picking dandelions, placing them in a glass of water and presenting then to his mom. Im doing great! Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology. Now, congratulate yourself by all means but do it silently. Why couldn't the all-star football player listen to music? Im not very good at advice. Laugh more: Corny jokes for kids Are you looking for some funny kids football jokes? New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. These jokes are a fantastic selection of humorous jokes about football that are clean and entertaining. When I told him, he pointed out that I really had failed to organise a piss-up in a brewery. And, of more recent coinage, for our Iraqui readers: Couldn't organise a hanging on a gallows. Give me my scotch! The flight attendant rushes over with their drinks. Submitted by Chuck Welch, Proudly showing off his new apartment to a friend late one night, the young man led the way to his bedroom, where there was a big brass gong. Father asks him, So, you were at school today, right? Son: Yeah. Detector: Beep. Son: OK, OK, I was at the movies. Detector: Beep. Son: Alright, I went for a beer with my friends. Father: What?! One night, while we were out for supper at a Mediterranean restaurant, my sister-in-law had a question about one of the appetizers. Darlin.You're hotter than donut grease at a fat man convention. "What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? Tomac. I have been working as a couples therapist for 20 years, and I know how many fights begin because someone cant take a joke.. And theres no better place to be than on your partners team! Finally, he hollers, Hey! One in 1. Then they call me ugly and poor.". Have you popped into that new coffee shop across the street yet? asks one. What does a nosy pepper do? Submitted by Chelsea Larson, I was out walking with my daughters one evening when, suddenly, my two-year-old looked up and asked, Who folded the moon? Submitted by Julianna Waldner. Im coming to live with you.Submitted by Joan Vercueil, A couple of cockroaches are munching on the contents of a garbage can in a deserted alley. As a scarecrow, people say Im outstanding in my field. A Hollywood producer calls his friend, another Hollywood producer, on the phone. The fellow was being sold a very cheap suit. Whenever we'd start talking and she didn't want to hear it she would sing, "Oh the monkey wrapped his tail around the flag pole, to wipe his butt hole, and see the world!!". A vegan said to me, People who sell meat are gross!, I said, People who sell veggies are grocer. Adele Cliff, comedian. Most of us aren't stand-up comedians, and we don't walk around with a full repertoire of funny jokes to share at parties. Its easy, replies the ranger. Reddit.com, If I worked in a used record store, I would tell every customer that all sales are vinyl. Doctor: Im sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live. Patient: What do you mean, 10? The first guy says, Lets go in there for a pint., The second guy says, They wont let us in with our dogs., First guy: Sure they will, just follow my lead., He goes up to the pub, and sure enough, the bouncer says, I cant let you in here with that dog., He replies, Oh, Im blind and this is my seeing-eye dog., The second guy sees this and does the same thing. We dont serve your type! shouts the barman. Menu. I turned to a man who had been waiting alongside me the whole time and said, Sir, how long have you been waiting?, He looked at his watch and said, Since last year. Misir Doobay, Toronto. Here are the best insulting smartass quotes we could find. He seems fine now, says the vet. My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep. Since shes in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. Im just mean and people think Im joking., 35. I also drink a case of whisky a week, eat fatty foods and never exercise. Thats amazing, the woman said. 3. On her next birthday, he buys her nothing, so she phones him, furious. Nature is beautiful and so am I. Submitted by Joyce Tenhage, A friend who had just turned 50, and couldnt quite deal with that fact, was wearing a T-shirt that said, Im not 50!
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